Tastes Like Teen Spirit
by Story Please
Summary: Snape is overly happy to the point of being creepy. And wait...did he just eat a baby?
Author's Note: Ok Corvus, I'm writing your child-eating, creepy-super-happy Snape story. I hope you're happy :/

* * *

 **Tastes like Teen Spirit**

"Good morning, Professor Snape!" Minerva said, waving merrily at the black-clad teacher as she made her way into the Great Hall for breakfast.

"And a very good morning to you!" Severus gushed back, his face stretched into a wide, wholly uncharacteristic grin.

"Why, Severus, are you feeling alright?" Professor Flitwick squeaked, looking at the tall Potions master with concern.

"Never better!" Snape exclaimed, rubbing his hands together as he surveyed the food on the table. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm starving!"

With that, he began to put away food in a manner that most resembled a certain Weasley, only pausing to take a sip from his goblet or wipe his face on his napkin.

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Professor Sprout whispered to Professor McGonagall, who was staring at Severus with utter bafflement.

"Don't get me started! And it seems like there are fewer students in the Great Hall than usual," Minerva remarked with a pinched-looking frown, "Perhaps he's happy because there are fewer dunderheads about."

But Snape's abnormally positive demeanor didn't end with breakfast. As the day went on, he seemed to grow more and more alluring, his hair growing silky and perfect like something out of a movie. His teeth grew straighter and whiter than ever before, seemingly every time someone looked at him. It was a well-accepted fact that Severus had always been a bit jaundiced, but his skin positively glowed with a pale radiant health.

"You nearly look as though you are glowing, Severus!" Albus Dumbledore remarked at lunchtime. "How wonderful!"

But not everyone seemed to think that it was wonderful. Minerva worried at her bottom lip, worry and suspicion etched into her face.

"Can I have a moment, Severus? I know that you have a free period now," Minerva asked him as he rounded the corner to his offices.

"Most certainly, Minerva," Severus replied, his voice soft and sultry enough to make Minerva blush. "This way, please."

She followed him into his office and sat across from him, leaning forward to speak softly to him.

"Severus, you've been seeming...different lately. Is there anything out of the ordinary going on that you can talk to me about so that I can ease my mind?"

"Why Minerva, I'm sure that I don't know what you are referring to," Severus replied, resting his chin on one hand and grinning guilelessly at her.

"Your hair! Your lips! Your skin!" Minerva sputtered awkwardly. "Surely you didn't just magically-"

"Minerva, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you were coming onto me," Severus said, laughing gaily, "And, in any case, we are at a magical school. Perhaps I finally availed myself of it."

Just then, there was a knock and Hermione Granger, the new Arithmancy professor, strode in with a wrapped bundle under her arm.

"Severus, I got the-" She froze as she saw Minerva turning back to stare at her.

Minerva looked at the bundle, which was wrapped in a blue blanket of some sort. It appeared to be wiggling in the candlelight, but Hermione tightened her grip around it and it seemed to grow still again.

"Just put it in the back with the others, my dear," Severus said kindly, his eyes beginning to twinkle.

"O...of course!" Hermione exclaimed, looking flustered.

"Goodness me!" Minerva said concernedly, "Do you have a fever, Severus? Your eyes look strange!"

"Oh Minerva, you're such a kidder!" Severus replied, laughing loudly standing up, patting the increasingly confused and concerned Deputy Headmistress on the shoulder.

He walked her to the door, though Minerva protested at being turned out.

"Now, now, you cannot expect to monopolize all of my time!" Severus cried out jovially, "I promise, you'll see me again at suppertime."

As they reached the doorway, his fingers seemed to tighten on her shoulder and a strange, manic look rose on his face for a split second.

"Severus?"

"Anyway!" See ya Minnie!" Severus closed the door firmly behind him before Minerva could give him a piece of her mind at being called by a nickname that she'd hated from childhood.

Minerva stood on the other side of the door for a long moment before finally turning to leave. It was then that a piercing shriek filled the air for a split second- one that sounded like-

"An _infant_?" Minerva said aloud, knowing full well that there were no babies at Hogwarts, not even in the paintings.

She pressed her ear to the door but heard only silence and began to wonder if it had been her imagination after all. She turned and stalked off down the halls, mentally preparing the tirade she was going to unleash upon Albus. After all, it was rather unprofessional for the deputy Headmistress to be listening at doors, but it was utterly within her rights to spur Albus into action.

That was, at least, her hope.

Albus was not at all sympathetic.

"Minerva, Minerva," he tutted, "Being happy is not a crime. Surely you can understand that!"

"That is _not_ happiness! It's _creepy_ , that's what it is!" Minerva twisted her hat in her hands and gritted her teeth.

"Perhaps Severus has been his grumpy, snarky self for too long," Albus replied, his eyes twinkling mirthfully, "Perhaps he has simply decided that it is time for a change."

"He called me Minnie!" Minerva pointed out exasperatedly.

"Surely you can tell him that you dislike being called by nicknames," Albus replied with a shrug, "or do you also feel that students should be sent to see me for coming up with 'amusing' nicknames for Severus. Now that I think of it, most of them focus on his...er...nose."

"That is _not what I am saying_!" Minerva nearly screamed.

"Let me make this simple, Minerva," Albus replied mildly, his eyes growing somewhat colder than before, "Unless you can give me some sort of valid reason as to why Severus is behaving inappropriately, you are to leave him be."

Minerva grew flushed and seemed about to shout something, but instead, she took a deep breath and nodded.

"Very well, Headmaster," she said, turning and slipping into her animagus form with a proud toss of her head.

She didn't know how, but she knew one thing for certain. She was going to get to the bottom of Snape's odd behavior if it was the last thing she did.

McGonagall padded quietly down the halls after Hermione Granger. She was certain that the bushy-haired professor had something to do with Snape's strange behavior, and she wasn't above a bit of spying to figure out whether or not it truly was cause for alarm.

Hermione made her way up to the fifth floor, and made the door to the Room of Requirement appear with practiced ease. Minerva slipped in behind Hermione and snuck quietly into a shadow. Her eyes widened and her tail went as rigid as an exclamation point when she saw what was in the room.

Hundreds and hundreds of...cradles?

Each was rocking back and forth endlessly. Minerva recognized the signature of a Rocking Charm and drew closer to one of them, her tail tucked carefully behind herself.

It wouldn't do to get a flattened tail, after all.

Being a cat had some limitations. Lack of height was one of them. Minerva gave up trying to look into the cradle and opted to find Hermione instead.

Hermione had disappeared down the far aisle and Minerva darted through a few rows to catch up with her. Hermione's back was still turned and Minerva watched as she picked up a little bundle from the cradle.

"Ah, you're finally ready!" Hermione said excitedly, "Severus will enjoy the taste of you in his afternoon meal! I can't wait to slice you up!"

Minerva got a quick glance of two wiggling feet in what looked like infant footie pajamas before Hermione had wrapped the squirming bundle up until it resembled a caterpillar in a cocoon.

A muffled cry escaped the blankets, but Minerva knew exactly what sort of creature made _that_ particular sound.

Minerva slunk back into the shadows and hurried through the door back into the corridor as Hermione went ahead. She transformed back into her human form and bit her thumb so hard that she tasted blood.

Why did Hermione have a room full of babies?

And what was that about slicing and an afternoon meal?

"Oh my heavens!" Minerva cried, letting her hands fly to her mouth.

She took the stairs to Dumbledore's office two at a time.

"Babies!" Minerva exclaimed, slamming her fist down on the table.

Dumbledore stared mildly at Minerva.

"HE IS EATING BABIES!" Minerva shouted.

"And by ' _he'_ you are referring to…?" Dumbledore asked.

"SEVERUS SNAPE, YOU OLD DUNDERHEAD!" Minerva shrieked.

"You called for me, Headmaster?" Severus stood quietly at the door, looking at Minerva's heaving, furious form as though she were a mild inconvenience.

His goofy grin was gone, though, which was a slight improvement.

"Unfortunately, Minerva here," Dumbledore said, clearing his throat, "believes that you are eating...babies."

Severus crossed his arms and shot Minerva a look.

"Well," he said, "I can't exactly eat the teenagers. But we've been working on some alternative methods, so we're really hopeful that we'll be able to do so soon."

"WHAT?!" Minerva shouted, pointing her finger at Snape's nose. "You are NOT going to let him get away with that, are you Albus!?"

"Minerva, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation," Albus replied magnanimously. "Severus, will you please bring us to your offices and let us see these babies?"

"Why, of course. Follow me." Severus flashed Minerva a gallows smile as she narrowed her eyes at him.

The trip to Snape's offices took nearly no time at all. Albus and Minerva stood at the entrance to the door where Hermione had taken the first bundle earlier that day.

"Shall we take a look?" Albus asked.

Severus nodded. "Take a sip of this espresso first. I've found it helps to counteract any symptoms."

Albus sipped the drink, but Minerva steadfastly refused.

"I don't want you to slip any baby parts in my drink!" she snapped.

"Why must Gryffindors insist on being hyperbolic?" Severus retorted.

"I assure you, I am being completely literal!" Minerva replied, crossing her arms.

Severus looked at Minerva with a confused and slightly pained expression.

"You're...serious?" He asked, placing his cup in the saucer with a loud clatter.

"But of course-" Minerva went silent as the door opened, revealing Hermione.

Hermione's hand flew to cover her mouth and her eyes went wide with surprise.

"P-professors!" She sputtered, suddenly noticing Dumbledore behind them, "Headmaster! What...what can I do for you?"

"Hermione, they have to know," Severus said, looking at her pleadingly.

"But…it could ruin everything we've worked so hard for, and-"

"Hermione, I have just been accused of neonatal cannibalism. I doubt that I shall be able to enjoy any results from the dismal view of a cell in Azkaban." Severus looked disparagingly back at Minerva, who huffed.

"I've seen enough to draw some pretty damning conclusions!" she said shortly. "Hermione, you know that I am a fair judge of character as long as I am privy to all of the facts. I merely ask to confirm or disprove the shenanigans that have been going on around here!"

Hermione scowled but nodded and moved aside so that they could all get through the door.

As the light filtered in through the door from the office behind them, Minerva saw a short hallway with two doors, which faced one another on either side.

"The green one is the Potions Stores Room and the black one is the private lab," Hermione explained. "To best explain everything, we must go into the lab."

She unearned the doors with a quick flick and twist of her wand, and Minerva raised her eyebrow.

In all of the time she'd worked with Severus, he'd never allowed anyone unfettered access to his lab. The room was well-lit and clean. Several cauldrons simmered merrily on one side of the room, each a different shade of green. The counters were clean, save a wooden cutting board and a single, tiny arm that lay motionless upon it.

Minerva turned a sickly shade of green, turning to a nearby garbage can to vomit. What she saw in the garbage can made her retch even more horribly than before.

Albus frowned. "Explain yourselves."

Minerva stared at the headmaster as though he was an idiot. Which, to be fair, was a thought that had increasingly occurred to her as time went on.

"Ever since I was discovered and healed in the nick of time, Hermione has been encouraging me to work on a new type of healing potion. Obviously, mandrake was the preferred core ingredient, but we needed something more potent and less...dangerous." Severus glanced over at Hermione, who had sidled over to him and had placed a reassuring hand on his back.

"These are not human babies," Hermione said, pulling open a large refrigeration unit near the floor and revealing a number of small, infant-shaped forms. "They are Mildrakes."

Minerva wrinkled her nose. "Mild-whats?"

"Adult Mandrakes can kill with their voices," Severus explained, "and it is well known that even babies can knock you out without proper ear protection. Hermione...she...came up with the idea, so she is better equipped to explain it."

He put his hand on Hermione's shoulder and gave her a look of undisguised fondness. Minerva's hand went to her mouth with realization. Hermione flushed pink and nodded, pulling out one of the frozen infant lookalikes.

"The basic idea has been around in the muggle world for centuries," she explained, "but the basic gist is that you can breed certain qualities into plants or animals by finding certain characteristics and cross breeding those that exhibit said characteristics until they change enough to be noticeably different. With the help of the Room of Requirement, we have been able to undergo an accelerated process of breeding mandrakes until we finally got...these."

As Hermione brought the figure closer to Minerva and Albus for inspection, it became increasingly obvious that the creature in her hands was not human at all. Long grooves, like wood grain ran down their "skin," and it was obvious that their "fingers" were unnaturally long, ending in jagged points.

"They don't bleed like humans, either," Hermione explained, placing the Mildrake down on the chopping board and severing its "arm." Thick, white syrup leaked from the cut. "We use the sap and the limbs for the recipe. The cores are simmered in lavendar oil and we're already seeing promising results in our altered blood replenishing formula. Just imagine, one teaspoon could replenish the blood that currently takes an entire phial, sometimes two, to accomplish the task!"

Minerva's lips were still pinched together in a sour grimace as she listened to Hermione and Severus explain exactly what they were doing with the potions and how they differed from their current formulas. She did not like being proven wrong, especially not after having been reasonably certain that something else was going on. Finally, she took a deep breath and cleared her throat.

"Yes, Professor?" Hermione asked.

"I would just like to say," Minerva started painfully, "that...I am truly sorry for having assumed the worst. My only question is, what exactly have you done to Severus, Hermione? Even you have to admit that he's been acting oddly lately!"

Hermione looked at Severus and he sighed loudly.

"They are unfortunate side effects of the new potion we have been perfecting," he said, obviously uncomfortable. "The goal is to create a medication that can heal scars- both physical and mental. Hence the...odd behavior."

Hermione blushed as he looked somewhat pointedly at her.

"I volunteered to take the medication, but he insisted on doing it himself. Especially since…" Hermione stared at her feet, "The Mark...it...it took away his fertility. If I can fully remove all scarring from his body, both magical and mundane, he will likely be able to have a family of his own one day."

Severus snorted.

"Are you going to tell them, or am I?" he asked her, arching one eyebrow. "Though, I must say that you have been laying it on so thick that I doubt that even these two stalwart Gryffindors could have missed it."

"We…" Hermione stopped, grabbing Severus by the hand and squaring her shoulders, "I mean, Severus and I are...er...together! And by that I mean... _together_ together"

Albus clapped. "How utterly delightful!"

Minerva's eyes bugged out, even though she'd had her suspicions before. Somehow, hearing Hermione admit it was more shocking than watching the tall, pale professor and the short, curly haired professor hug one another.

"We are hoping to raise the Mildrakes to the approximate age of teenagers next. As you can expect, they'll take up more space, but there will be more ingredients to use," Hermione explained, as Minerva recovered from her shock, "However, Mildrakes are finicky and need more time to grow than regular Mandrakes. Hence the footie pajamas and the Room's specialized environment. At first, we thought that increasing the potency by creating high concentrations of the sap would work, but as you probably noticed, it just made Severus start acting like a ray of sunshine. I don't particularly mind it, but it bothers him."

"Hmph," Severus replied, crossing his arms. "As it well should."

"Well, I for one am glad to support your endeavors," Dumbledore exclaimed, startling the others. "Why, the potential benefits are endless."

"I must apologize for one thing," Hermione said, looking sheepish. "We had to move the Mildrakes to the Room of Requirement because we needed a place where they could be grown at an advanced pace, and the Room's magic seems to be capable of creating an environment that will allow them to do so. However, we kept running into students on the way up, and, upon hearing their cries, became sleepy and stumbled off to the dorms. As you may be aware, there's been a number of student absences lately, especially first and second year students, who are smaller and therefore susceptible to the influences of the Mildrake's cry. Though it didn't knock them out, I think that you will find a number of students literally sleeping off the influence of the Mildrakes on their bodies."

"Yes. As much as it pains me to suggest it, I believe it would be in the school's best interest to ensure that all students who were out of class the past couple of days are not penalized, as it was likely not their faults." Severus muttered, not looking happy about his suggestion at all.

"Done and done," Dumbledore said thoughtfully, "Now then, how about we all head to the Great Hall for some well-deserve food?"

"Is food all you think about?" Minerva grumbled as they headed up the stairs.

"No, my dear," Dumbledore replied with a smile, "Sometimes I think about very soft, woolen socks."

Minerva snorted as she glanced back at Severus and Hermione, who were actually holding hands as they followed along a few steps behind. Everything was finally going back to normal.

'Well,' she thought, 'as normal as a magical school like Hogwarts is capable of being.'


End file.
